Last night I got a message from a friend who had been fostering her grandson. Some false accusations were made and that precious boy was removed from her home and her heart was broken. My heart aches with hers.
Over the last month, I have heard a horrifying number of stories of people who have been falsely accused while a foster child has been in their care. It is heartbreaking and terrifying especially as we travel this same road to try to foster/adopt. Two weeks ago, our licenser came out and frankly warned us that we were putting ourselves at risk of similar accusations should we continue with our plans to be licensed. He was blunt and explicit and the visit was one of the more heart-breaking days I’ve experienced.
That day rocked me to the core because I have long felt the absence of this child in my life. I saw a boy crying in a dream years ago and despite all my efforts to move on, I simply can not. He is mine and he is not with me. I won’t feel complete until he is home. And yet this visit made that appear like it might never happen and it ripped my heart in half.
Hearing all these stories and warnings has made me really consider our choice to adopt at this point in our lives. My son graduates this year, my daughter will leave home shortly as well and Ken’s health while stable is always a challenge. I have more professional opportunities than ever and a growing backlog of projects that I want to write in my head as well as a deepening awareness of how I can serve others and make a difference. Especially when I consider the risk of having my heart broken and stomped upon by a broken child welfare system and my life potentially ruined, it isn’t logical to go down this road.
But when I consider what it means to leave this child behind, all those concerns seem petty. I could no sooner abandon one of my birth children in the forest alone and unprotected. Even if it means that the system is so broken that I am accused of something too horrifying to consider, it is not possible for my heart to leave him behind.
The day after that heart-breaking visit, I went on a cathartic hike at Mount Rainier. My mom and two friends joined us and it was exactly what I needed. We began the trail to Comet Falls and it was more challenging than I had realized when I picked our route. My dear mother was such a trooper. It was uphill and rocky and felt much longer than the posted distance. When we got to the top and saw the waterfall in the distance, we considered turning around. We were concerned about getting my mom back in time for a performance and her ability to physically make it back. But after a little deliberation, we pressed on and made it all the way to the falls.
The waterfall was so much more beautiful up close and the spray was refreshing. As we came even closer to the edge, we could feel the immense power as the water crashed at the bottom. As we stood there in the mist, I could feel the fear and devastation leave and was filled with an appreciation for God’s power and strength. I knew He was in charge and that no matter what happens next that it would bless my life. I was filled with peace. I also realized that we had almost stopped before we got to the best part and it offered an assurance that the difficulties now were part of the journey required to get to the beauty ahead.
The next morning on my run, Hilary Week’s song “Beautiful Heartbreak” came up on my playlist. It’s lyrics perfectly suited the fears I was feeling. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk
I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way to move it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.
Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I unfortunately am keenly aware that there is likely great heartbreak ahead for us in pursuing this plan to adopt through foster/adopt. It seems unfair and critically wrong that we live in a state with 10,068 children in foster care and 2,167 children waiting for adoptive families (many of which are in the 10-13 year old age bracket we are seeking). There is a ridiculous backlog for approval (it is becoming a nearly year long process for us and they were supposed to be done in 90 days) and a system that routinely accuses people willing to open up their home to these children and offers little support when problems arise. The possibilities of horrific experiences continue to pile up and fill our hearts with doubt and fear. That’s in addition to the challenges of simply parenting a child who has not been with you since birth and has likely experienced trauma that I can’t comprehend.
So why on earth would I want to go down this road? Simply because I feel I have a child out there and I can not leave my child behind. Because I love him though I’ve never met him. Because the best things in life are worth fighting for. Because I believe it will all be worth it in the end.
I have waited so long to bring him home and it looks like there is further waiting ahead. The licenser was pessimistic about our application even being approved and yet every time I pray about it, I am filled with peace and comfort that it will work out according to His plan. So here I wait and pray and hope while trying to become the person that will be able to help this child and love him the way he deserves.
I am concerned about whether my heart will be able to endure the heartbreak that I sense is ahead. But I also know that I can’t bear to leave my child behind so I only pray that I can find the beauty in the challenges and recognize the miracles along the way. I suspect it will be a difficult road but also one of the great adventures of my life.
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