My Lamb of God story

In October of 2011 I was at a crossroads.  I felt strongly compelled to not audition for theatre companies and it was a difficult pill to swallow.  My children were getting older and it seemed my time had arrived to do something I had long wanted to do, only to feel  that it was not what God wanted for me.  I cried bitter tears after I had to turn down a role I really wanted and skip auditions for shows that I was certain I would be a strong contender for.  This may be hard for most people to understand but I deeply mourned a loss in what I deemed was part of my identity.  It was far more difficult than I can perhaps express.

So while I mourned, experience has taught me that God always blesses us when we turn our will over to him so I tried earnestly to discern what God wanted for me instead.  I had already explored the door of having more children and that door was painfully shut.   I thought perhaps it was for me to do more writing and composing so I worked on some scripts and tried to write songs, most of which were not as good as I thought they should be and left me feeling inadequate.

On one October night, I struggled in vain to write and thus decided to listen to a broadcast on creativity on the Mormon Channel.  It featured composer Rob Gardner and he discussed his creative process for composing.  I liked his approach and found several ideas to help me in my efforts.  But….then they played a recording of “Gloria.”  It was perhaps the most beautiful song I had ever heard and I began to weep.  It struck me to the core.  I kept rewinding and playing that song over and over and continued to weep.  I was struck not only by the beauty but by the immense joy and hope we find in our Savior. 

I sent Karen Hemming from the Mutli-stake Cultural Arts Committee from our church an email suggesting that they consider programming this oratorio on their next season.  I was sure to say that if they did this oratorio that I wanted dibs on that solo.  A few weeks later I received a Facebook message from Karen, right as I was going to bed, saying that they had gotten permission to do “Lamb of God” that spring.  I was thrilled….until I read the next line.  They wanted me to conduct it.  I was so completely overwhelmed and it took me an additional five hours to settle down enough to let sheer exhaustion compel me to sleep.  I had never conducted an orchestra and I was completely overwhelmed by the prospect of doing justice to this epic piece.

As if being overwhelmed weren’t enough, I was in a car accident just ten days before our first rehearsal.   I sustained a concussion and began a prolonged period of migraine headaches and constant nausea and dizziness.  As the severity of my injury became more apparent, I was strongly tempted to pass the reins to someone more qualified and not impaired.  I had a hard time seeing how I could possibly conduct but week after week miracles were seen.  I would have a plan in place for someone to take over but within minutes of beginning rehearsal, my vision would stabilize, the nausea would abate and my mind was clear.  We had powerful experiences together as the music literally healed me.  The symptoms would return immediately upon the rehearsal ending but I was amazed by the tender mercy of temporary healing that allowed me to momentarily feel whole.

I was not the only one to experience this remarkable healing process.  It seemed everyone in the choir that year was suffering a great heartache, a daunting trial, a spouse at death’s door, complete ruin or some other personal valley.  As we learned this music, it healed us and helped us to know that God was keenly aware of our difficulties and completely in control.  We learned of his deep and abiding love for us.   God didn’t heal my concussion for an additional nine months but he did teach me to trust in him and that he would meet every single need. That first year was completely transformative for me as the Spirit repeatedly bore witness of the Savior and taught us to trust Him.

We had similar experiences in our second year and I wondered how we could possibly improve.  That clarity was given and we have continued to have life-altering spiritual experiences as we have prepared this music and let its testimony be united with our own.

As I began this season, I had the distinct impression that I would not be returning to conduct for a fourth year.  Much like October of 2011, I feel torn by what I perceive is God’s will for me.  I have cried many tears this week about it.  It seems that surely there could not be anything more rewarding than this work that I am engaged in.  I know that I have had a profound impact as we worked to bring out the beauty and truth in this work and I shudder to think that I might not have been available to conduct this if I had disregarded those impressions and pursued other performing experiences instead.  It has been one of the most rewarding musical experiences of my life thus far.

But at the same time, I have felt the changes in the wind and know there are other things ahead.  Some of those changes are wonderful and terrifying at the same time and I suspect there are things that need my attention that I simply cannot anticipate.  But if conducting “Lamb of God” has taught me one thing, it is that He is in charge and that all will be well if we just trust in Him. 

The person I am today is a much better person than I was three years ago.  The music by Rob Gardner has been a big part of that transformation.  But it has only been the tool used by my Savior to mold me into the person He needs me to be.  As we sing tonight, my hope and prayer is that we are likewise a tool to help others feel what God needs them to be.